Change

5 Jun 05

AM in the midst of revamping my web though it is only 4 months old. It will be moved to my PacNet homepage where there is no irritating advertisement.

But this process is more challenging compared to building it from nothing.

First as this one already exists, the urgency to change is not there. Second, there is the pressure that the new one has to be more attractive. Third I am building on something that already exists, will be retaining most of the content.

Isn't life as such? We do not see the urgency to change until the day when we feel the heat and see it as a must. Although not impossible, changing or replacing old habits are more difficult than picking up new ones.

Perhaps also because now is approaching July that I am having butterflies in my stomach. And just moments ago, I felt extremely awful, a mix feeling of excitement and fear.

I have been warned "life will never be the same again". I could choose to ignore, but not this time when I have betted a month's salary, 8 full days of opportunity cost and mid-night cab charges to spend 8 days with 100 total strangers that come from different walks of life, in all ages, shapes and sizes. We have been advised not to make any major decisions for the next 7 days after the program ...

What if after that, I finally found the courage to put down everything and wander around the world? Or go for LASIK operation? What if changes turned out to be worse?

To be honest, deep inside, I know the greatest anxiety come from what if life is back to normal after the program, what if nothing will change at all? What if it turned out to be just another empty promise? What if it took away my belief that I can choose the life I want?

Change is definitely scary, but no change prickles me more.